FUCK!!!

NOW im just simply fucking damn freaking du lan!!!

i dunno y.

i seriously dont understand y.

i earn 1k per mth u can spend 1.5k per mth.

even if i work 25hrs per dae oso not enough for u to spend.

fine i noe ur medical fees is ex.

i noe with all the bills and stuffs.

i calculated and its not up to tat extent.

yet im only allowed to spend not even 200bucks of my pay.

u say i spend alot.

now u say.

who spend more?

pls lah.

stop it lah k.

dont make me go the evil ways.

hais.

anybody can tell me any ways to rob the bank without being caught?

MONEY can really make me freak off man.

for dunno watever reasons.

i was chosen for the filming.

i oso dunno who the the main characters.

the device?

the 3 children?

or me?

haa.

i oso nv see the results how is the filming.

heard tat it will appear on tv.

omg~

paiseh leh.

scary.

lol.

hais.

i dunno lah.

its difficult to live lah like this.

and its even more to live happily.

last sat night went clubbing with louise and friends at velvet dragon.

the ppl i saw there made me shocked.

yup i noe some of them.

but i just got no comments.

i really felt guilty and felt sorry.

saying sorry is seriously USELESS.

im really glad tat he's not angry with me.

(:

very long i nv work for so long hrs liao.

ytd i worked for 14hrs.

12pm to 2am.

for me to work so long hrs.

depend on who is working.

not everyone i will help de.

and oso depend on my mood too ba.

how i wish can work so long hrs everyday.

can earn much more money.

and i wont be bored and lonely too.

i believe wat i heard is true.

we just need one moment to fall in love.

but we need one life time to forget someone.

thanks for letting me cry out.

i might felt better everytime i cry it out.

but how many times i need to cry it out?

cry till im dehydrated?

cry till no more tears?

2 good friends can quarrel till whole dae dont talk to each other.

although the both of them always quarrel.

but is the first time i see them quarrel till so jia lat.

both are oso my good friends.

both oso have their own reasons.

i listened to the both of them.

who shall i side?

all i can say is.

being friends must oso respect each other decisions.

more and more work and tasks i hafta do and complete.

im suffocating.

who can help me?

i NEED a break.

i NEED a holiday.

i NEED to rest.

'xiu xi she wei le zhou geng zhang yuan de lu'

but is there anymore 'lu' for me to 'zhou'?

hmm.

another post.

to blog everyday is to let u all noe tat im still alive?

or i shld mia and let ppl look for me?

worry abt me?

ya.

but who will look for me or worry abt me in the first place?

hmm.

u might think im silly or rather im damn childish.

many many yrs back i kept on thinking.

if one day im sick seriously or met in an accident and admitted to hospital.

who will go and visit me?

and till now so many yrs aft.

this qns is always in my mind.

who is the one will be by my bed to acc me?

will there be big grps of my friends to surround my bed everyday?

imaging wat the suituation will be like.

hais.

they go out but nv ask me along.

seriously im alright with it.

he asked me y i nv join them.

i told him tat they nv ask me.

yupp.

wat else can i sae?

ohh ya.

suddenly i found so many ppl going for the graduation ceremony liao.

now beng leong and wee loon going too.

lols.

hmm.

yupp.

the loneliness is there.

i feel the loneliness.

but wat can i do?

hais~

shit!

wat can i say?

really sorry for wat i had done.

sorry for my actions.

wth~

y is she staying for another mth?!

we all are just suffering during her exist.

cant she just leave or rather 'disappear' asap?!

-_-

there are 2 heart broken girls.

and now u are having the power of love.

best wishes from me.

(:

y must everything turns out to be memories?

y cant it keep on existing and become reality instead?

back from my shopping spree.

got myself a skinny jeans.

hope i will look 'skinner' wearing it.

lol.

oso got myself a anna sui wallet.

yup.

finally got a wallet.

haa.

hmm.

gss coming very soon.

just see wat i will get ba.

=P

well.

i did not spree online anymore le.

no time to follow up.

late abit nick kena put on topic.

sians.

until now.

wat else can i say?

i just dont wana compare my life with others.

the more i compare.

the more i think life is meaningless.

just dont think tat u are the worst.

u are always better den someone.

den life wont be tat misarable le ba.

i guess?

hopefully lor.

but these kind of thinkings sometimes just cheating urself nia.

watever it is.

just think of the positive side.

the brighter view.

yup.

i had tried my very best to move on my life.

but i not yet recover.

not yet overcome.

ohh ya.

met up with candice ytd night aft our work.

we went cine for a movie.

den met john there.

john aka 'bookshop auntie's son'.

lol.

really find it funnie the way i rmb him.

yup great.

met up with another pri sch friend.

keep in touch~

(:

hmm.

got rejected by ntu.

so nus got not much hopes oso le ba.

just get into the working society earlier.

so can clear my debts earlier.

finally i found someone who wana go graduation ceremony liao.

from wat i noe.

jinlong bengleong weeloon not gg ba.

but now i found someone liao.

not anyone else but my AI REN~

lol.

i chose the purchase the graduation suit.

aft a LONG time of consideration.

haa.

hmm its reallie time to meet up my poly friends liao man.

ever since last day of fyp.

which is 16feb.

nv see each other liao.

boon is asking for a gathering.

jinlong is asking for gathering too.

but i think it will be 2 different gatherings ba.

boon jio de ppl cant click with jinlong jio de ppl.

jinlong jio de ppl oso cant click with boon jio the ppl.

but im like both side oso can de.

lol.

see how lah.

they got jio me den i go lah.

im really lazy to organise gathering liao man.

opps!

=x

really hope tat next sat's night out is on lor.

louise always jio me out ended up not on de.

i dunno abt this time lah.

just wait and see lor.

there's alot more for me to say.

but i just dunno how to put into words.

hais~

this morning woke up with my eyes swollen.

its a chance for me to get mc and escape form work.

but i chose to go work with my swollen eyes.

and tmr.

i can chose to take mc if i wan to.

coz we all already say tat we will go saloon together.

but still i chose to work n ps them the saloon session.

well.

wat else can i say abt me.

yup.

im a workholic.

bth~

today i saw a slim chance.

i hope is wat i wana get long ago.

but its better for me dont put so much hope yet.

if not i will get damn freaking disappointed.

somehow find myself abit useful.

i can talk to him when he is sad or rather demoralise.

i saw the whole situation.

i can understand how he feel.

if i were him.

i oso dunno wat to do.

if talk back sure got conflict.

if keep quiet ppl will crawl on top of his head.

hais.

wat to do?

hmm.

seriously i dunno wats up in ur mind.

but just wana tell u dont need to feel guilty.

or u dont feel it at all.

i reallie got no idea.

am i wrong if i say i miss you?

i just simply cant forget.

the places.

the shows.

the songs.

the talks.

the things.

the distance.

the time.

everything everything and everything.

i just cant forget.

have u?

today's slacking session turns out to be a 'crying' session.

not coz of me.

but coz of her.

but i ended up crying too.

just wana let myself feel better and oso to share her pain too.

although her pain is much much more den mine.

but my scar is there.

its hurting me too.

as wat i had told her and the rest.

i cant advise her to let go coz me myself still cant let go too.

i cant teach her to recover coz me myself have not recover yet.

all i can do is to hold her hands and tear together.

like wat she said.

wat we wants is to be loved.

to be cared.

to be concerned.

to be pampered.

to be hoaxed.

is tat very difficult?

well.

perhaps life is difficult ba.

secret is no longer secret anymore.

DONT ask me wat is it.

i tot i can hide is from everyone forever.

zhi shi bao bu zhu huo de.

now.

next.

tmr.

i dunno how to face her.

i dunno how to face the rest.

hais.

shld i say sorry?

but things had already happened.

no use saying sorry.

i really dunno wat to do.

end here?

move on?

hais.

y is my life getting more messy and messy?!

everything tat had happened really mess up my freaking life.

i hate my life.

i hate myself even more now~!!

sorry i just cant love myself anymore.

i dont wish to recall when is the day u started to be cold towards me.

coz if i do.

i will find myself more fool.

more dumb.

more idiot.

more stupid.

watever~!!

dont worry.

i did not hate u.

and i WONT hate u.

for now and forever.

yup.

if u think tat to leave me u will lead a more happier life.

wat else can i say?

yup.

everyone say tat i had already tried my best.

yes.

i had tried my very best.

so wat?~

i still get back nothing.

u owe me something.

i hope i will get it.

one told me is no longer impt get it or not.

but i dont care.

i just wana get it.

one day one told me tat 'life is not abt love'

next day one told me tat 'life is not abt study'

well~

so who can tell me 'life is abt wat'?

im really lost.

well.

yup.

for so much things that had happened.

i admit and declared that.

im naive.

im childish.

im innocent.

im brainless.

im fool.

in short and simple.

im stupid.

more and more meet ups with u gers.

yup its damn great.

our endless chit chat.

our endless topics.

our endless **.

u noe.

i noe.

we all noe ah.

lol.

=D

kbox coming up~

still no reply.

still no letter.

den how am i gg to plan my fututre?

although all the while im not the kind of ppl will plan my future de.

but now.

im really like lost.

dunno wth im doing.

if i really got rejected by both uni.

i told myself give me 2 more mths.

see my current job will give me any better offer or not.

if not i got better offer liao.

met samuel recently.

he came to store last week or so ba.

i just simple shouted his name when we open my party storeroom door.

lol.

im just happy and shocked to see him lah.

miss him?

wahaha.

damn long ever since i last saw him.

think since end of last yr ba.

he got job offer asked me wana go join him or not.

can pay me up till 2.5k per mth.

hmm really lah.

i got more den enough reasons for me to leave my current job.

hais.

i just dont bear to leave.

5yrs leh.

is just like letting go of a 5yrs relationship.

ya.

im just a emo and loyal ppl.

hais.

wat will i be?

think i will decide and made my decision by august ba.

this world and this society is cruel.

i nice others nicely.

ppl treated me like shit.

'THANKS'

i just got a feeling tat she will backstab me in one way or another.

hais.

or im over sensative again.

dunno lah.

so is either she gone or i disappear.

u all have to believe me this time round.

trust me.

there is NO true friends at work.

colleagues will only always be colleagues.

nth more.

colleagues cant be best friends.

best friends better not become colleagues.

the world is small too.

one of ken's friend, fauzie, is my trumpet junior~!

the worst thing is.

i forgot who is he.

haa.

he rmb when there's me sure there's yun.

when there's yun sure there's me.

lol.

he rmb yuwei.

he still rmb yuwei can blast very loud.

he rmb ian.

he rmb gary.

he rmb gary as spiky hair or amani ba.

he even rmb chong meng.

basically he rmb the whole trumpet section.

but i just cannt rmb him.

im gg to look for the speech day photos.

he told he he's there.

haa.

and oso!

he oso rmb all my jies lor.

power lah.

when i name june yuxiu iris luvina.

he can rmb all the names.

even the alumni like soefian zhaohao he oso noe.

and oso one more thing.

he oso tot mdm wu and mr wee is husband and wife.

lol.

hmm wah~

our band talk..

thinking back.

yup.

miss those days.

miss band.

miss playing trumpet.

haa.

=D

life is a matter of live on or death.

if i choose to live on.

i will encounter lots of situation.

i can be sad.

i can be happy.

i can be hurt.

i can be loved.

if i choose death.

i dont even need to feel sad.

i dont even need to get hurt.

isn't it better?

i still cant accept it.

unless till the day comes.

i fell again.

blue blacks can be cured aft a few days.

but the pain i felt this time round.

it reallie hurts me alot.

who to cure my pain?

how to cure my pain?

wat to cure my pain?

how long will it take to cure my pain?

im really really REALLY bu fu qi.

y am i always ended up hurt by guys?

have i did anything wrong for u all to treat me in tat way?

god is so unfair.

life is so unfair.

perhaps nth is fair in the earth ba.

ppl asked me to accept wat comes along my life.

sorry this time i really cant accept it.

unless im given a reasonable reason.

if not i wont accept the fact.

ppl told me tat tasting pain and sorrow is parts and parcels of life.

well everything is oso parts and parcels of life.

hmm even die is oso parts and parcels of life.

y not i die earlier?

so tat i dont need to go thru so much pain and sorrow.

i was told to love myself.

no i cant do tat.

i simply hate myself more.

i dont know how to be strong.

im just not a strong girl.

if being a strong girl have to go thru alot.

i will rather stay as a 'not a strong girl'.

i really dont wana go thru so much.

i just wana a simple life.

back from work.

can sae is totally moodless ba.

the ppl ard me.

the environment ard me.

how ppl treating me.

how ppl treated me.

things tat is happening.

things tat had happened.

the stress.

everything everything and EVERYTHING~!!!

yup so sorries my girls.

i lose my temper todae once again.

todae is just not my dae.

i fell while walking.

both my knees is full of patches and patches of blue blacks.

hais.

i tot i can happier aft i finish work.

but it did not happen.

thanks girls for ur regards.

*touched

really much appreciated.

girls are really more sensative to each other's feelings.

sians.

i shld be with them now outside enjoying night life.

but..

i just cant.

hais.

is reallie not the matter of i want or dont want.

is the matter of can or cannot.

of coz i want lah.

staying at home is real bored.

having friends to chill out is great.

hais.

she just dont understand tat.

nv ever she will ba i guess.

felt kinda hurt when u said tat.

hais.

nvm ba.

i cry is to vent out my sadness.

so dont stop me frm crying k?

well.

seems like more and more ppl had receive letter from uni and being accepted.

but not me.

michelle accepted by sim's double major in communications and psychology.

xiu accepted by nus and ntu's biz.

ian accepeted by ntu's 3yrs degree in computer science 1.5yrs masters in georgia tech.

beng accepted by ntu's eee.

as for me leh.

just wait and see how's the outcome lor.

today is monday.

yup my off day lor.

kinda bored leh.

no one date me out.

seems like no one is free.

staying home whole will only increase my laziness and piggyness.

eat more and slp more.

-_-

online surf net only can do those limited stuffs.

post blog.

read blog.

check mail.

friendster.

wat else can i do online?

and im not the kind of playing online game.

wah.

sian ah!!

someone save me pls!!

haa.

im not worrying abt my next monday.

coz i already had a date with u.

u are finally FREE~!!

hee.

all the best wor!!

(:

haiya.

see lah.

wat the hell i wan?!

work i say tired.

nv work i sae sian.

anyone can just tell me wat shld i do.

hais.

i miss you.

one more week has ended.

time really flies.

tmr is the month of may le.

really getting older and older each day.

but do i look TAT old?

i got 1 regular customer who asked me am i married.

how many kids i have.

is like...

WAT THE HELL LOR~!!

well is alright tat she sae i looked married or wat.

but her second qns real SHOCKED me like nobody business.

'HOW MANY' kids i have?!

wah~

feel like fainting in my lobby at tat point of time man.

lucky she is one of our regulars.

lucky she is a pregnant mother.

if not i dunno wat will i do to her.

haa no lah.

im not tat bad.

im a good girl.

-_-

well anyway.

jun was telling me tat if i got the chance to be promoted to SAE.

i might as well go for it and try.

yup think i will if i really got the chance.

(:

i received letter form nyp saying abt my graduation ceremony.

kinda excited like tat leh.

lol.

its on 5july 1pm.

wana come and see me wear the graduation suit?

all come leh!!

think will be fun man.

haa.

but think will be sad too.

hmm maybe not sad.

more towards touching ba.

will i be crying on tat say?

hmm reminds me of bartley graduation.

still no letter from ntu and nus.

no more hopes?

waiting for rejection letter?

just wait and see ba.

although the time we spent together is less.

we will still feel the love for each other at all times.

we will still hold our hands together to complete the journey of our life.

i promise i will be a good girlfriend k?

(:

well as wat had happened to me during the past week.

i felt tat the past week is a disaster week for me.

as a new week had begins 4hrs ago.

wish me all the best in the new week ba.

i wana be happy.

surprizes hopes and wishes come true can?

den i can be the most xing fu girl liao.

=P

27 april 2007 'suppose' to be a day tat im looking forward since 15 march.

coz i had been going ard and telling ppl tat im going for a 4hr cruise with my company.

yup finally there is a STAR outing since 5 to 8yrs ago.

during these 6weeks and 1 day i had been so damn excited abt it.

i had already said 'suppose' to be a happy one.

but somehow i brought my worryness and sadness up to the cruise.

i still managed to enjoyed myself.

with the funnie emcee.

with the fun games.

with the funniest entertainment shows by our business managers.

with the buffet although i only had 1 round of food coz just dont feel like eating.

with the dance floor disco.

with 1 glass of white wine.

with 10mins of karaoke.

the most impt 1 is the graduation ceremony.

yup.

we all STARs had graduated from level 1.

we got our class photo.

we got our certificate.

we got our pin.

we saw our new uniform.

kinda cool.

another thing tat im looking forward now.

yup.

really thank all of our SAEs.

bosses.

business managers.

business consultants.

and whoever put in the effort, time, , money, countless proposals and bla bla bla.

to let us shine.

to let us enjoy thoroughly during the 4hrs.

without them putting in all these.

we are just NOTHING.

yup.

reallie thank from my bottom of my heart.

(:

aft the cruise.

went home with irene.

ya.

she just live few block away from mine.

she is the event manager.

so wat so ever event she is the one who plan it.

including of cruise outing.

hmm.

had a sort of 'heart-to-heart' talk with her.

like im talking to my boss.

kinda stress.

but told her watever is in my heart.

watever i think of.

ya.

felt much more better.

aft the talk with her.

i really found out tat i so love my store.

everything will think for my store.

nv think for myself.

hais.

actually is a bad thing.

to get promoted to SAE is not a bad idea though.

but.

but..

but...

for me there is just endless of butsss...

anyway.

i will reallie demoralise if she got promoted.

although she is my good friend.

its not the matter of jealousy.

is demoralising.

well it had been abt 2mths ever since i go out supper with them.

hmm.

wat can i describe myself.

im a sensative girl who always have contrudicting feelings.

hais.

when they did not call me out i felt left out.

when they call me out this time round i felt bad.

yup.

indeed i really felt so BAD.

den i found out tat.

different status going out got different feelings.

REALLY VERY sorry tat made u felt disappointed in me.

i really dunno wat else can i do or say other then saying sorry.

im really scared.

im really fear.

im really worried.

still rmb wat i had promised u?

as wat i had said.

a promise means is a promise.

i said it out i will make sure i will do it.

if not i can go bang wall and die.

well since its over le.

no point for me to look back.

and definately im not regretting.

coz if i were to choose to regret anything.

first i will choose to regret is.

y am i here in this world?

so just stop talking abt regretting.

hais.

i so damn hope and wish tat im really thinking too much.

till now i still dont have confidence in myself too.

hais.

wat shall i do to gain more confidence in myself?

missing you is wat i will be doing every day every hr every min every sec.

yup.

its onli you.

now is 0200hrs.

and im still up.

onli i will noe the reason y.

i dunno y.

i just felt left out.

i felt alone.

hais.

i dunno they meant it or not.

i oso feel tat im being used by my friends.

hais.

i dunno lah.

mayb im over too sensative le ba.

i tend to be more sensative when im damn tired.

ya.

im damn tired now after work.

-_-

well im just a little girl who wants a little bit more attention.

i hope to see surprises.

but ended up are disappointments.

no matter wat i try to look at the bright side.

is tat a stupid act?

depends.

sometimes it is.

i will leave all the sadness aside and start a new day tmr.

tmr will be a brand new day for me.

sm:)e and be happie~!!

just off from work.

todae i worked 8hrs.

but it seems i had worked for 80hrs.

so damn tired.

dont ask me y.

i oso dunno y.

haa.

chatting with my ai ren.

missing her.

till i cant slp.

lol.

dunno she still got visit my blog or not.

ai ren must visit my blog ohh.

hee.

=p

haiya we really must meet up one day lor.

be it the 2 of us or with the rest.

hee.

missing you~

today is monday.

my off day.

tot every mon can go out and slack with friends.

but not today ba.

i had slept for 17hrs.

coz i had been awake for 44hrs.

went out to ton on sat night.

continue to work on sun without any sleep.

was so damn sleepy and tired.

i dunno i had yawn how many times when im working.

well but towards evening.

i really hope tat tat is not the way to make me stay awake.

but i think the fact it is.

hais.

thanks audrey for giving me excellent for my performance report.

resulting in an increase in my hourly rate.

thanks fred who look high on me.

willing to pay me 1.6k per month.

ya.

now hafta see how's the result of my entry to uni.

den fred will make his decision.

im really having a secured job.

im not afraid of losing job or retrench.

coz mac is always lack of employees.

haa.

my junior derrick just msn and send me their pieces they played for their syf this year.

sadly they got bronze this year.

only 16 got gold.

well im like missing those band days.

):

i really hope tat wat is mine will always be mine.

okie?

our friendship wont get apart just coz of tat.

if tat really will cause our friendship to get apart.

i wont agree to tat in the first place.

(:

5 weeks 4 days.

still counting on always.

=P